and the awkward turtle ensues…
OH MY FUCKING GOD. Sexual tension between Eric and I has been mounting yet again, and I’m thinking that another sack session is soon to be on the agenda. I kinda feel like the first time we fucked might have been mediocre just because of first fuck jitters. I mean, every one has those, right?
Today at work-just as I am slowly allowing myself to flirt with Eric more openly and entertaining the idea of giving him another chance to prove that hes not just a bunny fucker–a bombshell drops. His girlfriend, Lauren, comes into visit. NO. This cannot, cannot, CANNOT be fucking happening. Not that the guilt is really eating me up inside anymore (I helped myself get over it with a bottle of Cuervo) but what if she figures us out? This bitch is a good foot taller than me and relatively ghetto fab. She can beat me down. Now, I’m fiesty, but I know when I’m clearly outmatched, and the last thing I need is a bruise across the side of my face just for the prospect of another average lay.
“Hey, Lauren!” I say, wayyyyyyy too politely.
”Oh, hi.” She shoots the DIRTIEST look in my direction, turns to speak to Eric for a good ten minutes, making sure to hug and kiss him plenty of times during her conversation, in between giving me dirty looks to make sure I’m noticing. Bitch is trying to school me. HELL FUCKING NO.
Finally, after she finally runs out of steam in her middle school attempt to mark her territory, she passes by me on the way out the door. I’m not letting her go this easily.
”Bye, Lauren!” I yell, obnoxiously loudly. “I’m REALLY sorry you won’t be able to come to the next store party. They really are so much more fun when you’re there. Don’t worry, though, I’ll take care of Eric for you!” I smile after giving my little speech, way too brightly for it to be sincere. This bitch’s head almost came off, fuming out of the store. Lauren:0; Me:7 billion. But who’s counting?
craigslist is NOT for lovers…
As amazing as the Internet is ..I can honestly say that it has not contributed to my love life…or to my even getting laid lately. I’ve tried thousands of times (well, actually just two) but both have convinced me that there is nothing quite like going to a bar, getting drunk and taking a stranger home…the NORMAL way. Here are my two Craigslist disasters that have convinced me to never return…
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Just two weeks ago, my friend and I were bored and lookin’ for some lovin’, so we challenged each other to a Craigslist search. Find a hot, slutty, easy fuck for the other person to e-mail. This plan could in no way be flawed, right? We’d both have fun laughing at the ads posted about defecation and people with ugly photos, and possibly both end up with a hot date. I finally e-mailed, this super hot (abs!) thug with creamy caramel skin from Harlem. His response? The words “Hey shawty” and “Would you take it up the ass?” came just two e-mail exchanges later. Now, I’m all for being candid, but there is no reason for anal to be brought up even before the first date.
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This other date occured just a few months ago, and seemed rather promising at the time. His name was Paul, he enjoyed, movies, music and shows and was actually very sweet on the phone. It wasn’t until I met up with him for some late-night dessert that I discovered why, in fact, he was online trying to get a date. He was a good 80 pounds overweight, wearing cargo shorts (cargo shorts!) and had a nose ring. Not a stud, but a ring. Oh, and he was definitely as old as my father. (I’m talking late 40s, early 50s, here). I thought I’d still give this a chance…or at least not run away in the opposite direction…yet. 40 minutes into the “date” he brought up his scheme for becoming a pornographer and also his good friend’s job as a hooker. Even if he were an extremely attractive guy, there is nothing that excuses bringing up your affinity for animal porn. No, sir.
I’m all about giving things a fair shot, but I think Craigslist creepiness has exhausted its chances in my life. There is also the matter of the girl that was murdered just a few months ago for answering an ad on Craigslist. What a crazy world. A girl has to risk death just to try to get some ass…
sucky valentine’s day?
With Valentine’s Day less than 24 hours away, even my usually dark heart is craving a little REAL lovin’. Random hookups are fun and all, but every once in a while (like today), I really want someone to eat dinner with and watch crappy reality TV with. But then again, thats what I have my roommates for…
On a side note, which I completely forgot to mention before, I had sex with my former fuck buddy, Ronnie, on SuperBowl Sunday. How bout that for scoring? It was a pretty standard, none too special fuck. Kinda like pizza…not mind-blowing, but can sex with an ex ever really be that bad??? (Other than the possible mind-fucking emotional crap). I don’t think it can.
A fun roll in the hay, but I still want someone to buy me dinner and take me to see Step Up 2 (don’t judge!) tomorrow. Any takers?
smutpress suggestion: $PREAD magazine
This fucking AMAZING magazine I stumbled across is my new obsession. It’s completely centered around the lives of sex workers and their experiences…super interesting, super provocative, super funny. I’m in love…check out some excerpts at http://www.spreadmagazine.org/
you learn something new everyday
So I rolled into my first work shift after my little sexcapade with Eric with an aura of awkward around myself. I usually am the anti-awkward, just because I don’t really allow social norms to dictate the way I act, but this time I had let myself slip a little. I mean, the sex wasn’t all that great…had I completely fucked up my best co-worker relationship?!?!?! How would I pass the time during shift now? Goddammit.
These were all the thoughts floating inside my head as I walked into the store. I was not about it at all. It was at this time that the least likely person taught me something very important. After half an hour of not looking Eric in the eye, he pulled me to the side.
“Listen, stop being so shadeball. Look me in the eye. No, really. It was a get it out of our systems fuck. We’re all good. Now let’s see if you can actually burp the alphabet.”
I was completely in shock. Why the fuck had I not thought of this before? I had completely forgotten that the TRUE mark of an upstanding person was if they could fall into bed with a completely inappropriate partner and still be completely chill with the person after. Ahhh, lesson learned. Eric and I are still good friends, we got a good fuck out of our systems and we both still have our jobs. Praise Jesus, all is good in the world.
In Super Hot Black Guy news: our relationship is progressing. Just the other day in class, he asked me if we had an assignment from the previous class and I told him “no”. Baby steps, people.
