So, last night was my roommate Kadence’s birthday, and we decided that the proper way to celebrate this occasion was by having a pseudo-kegger.  We had made jungle juice, bought four cases of beer and cleared out the entire contents of our living room to make room for beer pong and and flip cup tables.   Most importantly, we had invited every straight boy we know and VERY IMPORTANTLY, the senior at my school, Evan, that I’ve been trying to hook up with for the past two semesters.  The stage was set for the epic hookup of all time.  His best friend, Liam, was even committed (or convinced?) through several drunken facebook messages to hit it with Kadence.  It was perfect.

Well, almost perfect.  Unfortunately, Evan had not been so thourougly convinced, or even convinced at all to hook up with me.  My uber advanced come ons, including the ever so suave inner thigh rub, were brutally rebuffed.  Sad day.  Evan finally became so uncomfortable with my jungle juice encouraged pick up lines that he decided to high tail it out of there before I roofied his drink.  (The theme was a kegger, so it wouldn’t have been entirely ridiculous!)  Sadly, he dragged Liam away with him (bromance?), so not even Kadance was able to “tap the bottle and twist the cap”, if you know what I mean.

Allowing myself to be brought down to reality for about .2 seconds, I finally realized that I had to reshift my focus.  Yes, my night with Evan had not worked out as planned, but that didn’t mean that some other poor, innocent boy couldn’t be my victim for the night.  I settled on Joe.  Not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but decently attractive, and with a personality loud enough to make Evan notice that he was hitting on me before he made his way out of the party.  Score.  I alerted Kadance to my new plans, pushed Joe into an empty room in our apartment and was about to have my way with him when he asked probably the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been asked in a sexual situation (other than that time that one guy asked if I’d ever been diagnosed with an STD.  Kidding, of course).

Joe: “So, wait a second.  Were you trying to hook up with Evan earlier in the night? I saw you talking to him a lot before.”

[Awkward silence.]

Me: “Uhhhhhh.  Uhhhhhh.  No, not really.  I’m keeping my options open.  Now that’s enough talking for now.”