if its wrong, i dont wanna be right
As common as it is for older men to date younger women, anytime someone even a day older goes for some hotter, younger male tail, its a problem. This is why I’m struggling to keep my latest conquest under wraps. Don’t worry, he’s legal (but just barely–he turned 18 three weeks ago) but there is one major problem: he is currently still a high school student.
I met M through my cousin, who is his close friend. M is cute, funny, adorable–all the things I normally look for in a future fuck. The only problem is that while I’m trying to jump start my career with yet another internship, this bitch is still planning his prom weekend. What to do?
M has proved to me that he’s definitely experienced WAY beyond his years on our little date last night. We went bowling (which meant that he mostly bowled; I mostly drank beer). On the drive home (okay, he at least has a license!) he leaned in for a kiss with the confidence of someone much older. Suddenly, I was in the middle of a hot makeout sesh with someone that just weeks before I could have gotten arrested for hooking up with. He KNEW what he was doing. Seems like the Northeast’s public school systems are doing something right. 
“keeping my options open”
So, last night was my roommate Kadence’s birthday, and we decided that the proper way to celebrate this occasion was by having a pseudo-kegger. We had made jungle juice, bought four cases of beer and cleared out the entire contents of our living room to make room for beer pong and and flip cup tables. Most importantly, we had invited every straight boy we know and VERY IMPORTANTLY, the senior at my school, Evan, that I’ve been trying to hook up with for the past two semesters. The stage was set for the epic hookup of all time. His best friend, Liam, was even committed (or convinced?) through several drunken facebook messages to hit it with Kadence. It was perfect.
Well, almost perfect. Unfortunately, Evan had not been so thourougly convinced, or even convinced at all to hook up with me. My uber advanced come ons, including the ever so suave inner thigh rub, were brutally rebuffed. Sad day. Evan finally became so uncomfortable with my jungle juice encouraged pick up lines that he decided to high tail it out of there before I roofied his drink. (The theme was a kegger, so it wouldn’t have been entirely ridiculous!) Sadly, he dragged Liam away with him (bromance?), so not even Kadance was able to “tap the bottle and twist the cap”, if you know what I mean.
Allowing myself to be brought down to reality for about .2 seconds, I finally realized that I had to reshift my focus. Yes, my night with Evan had not worked out as planned, but that didn’t mean that some other poor, innocent boy couldn’t be my victim for the night. I settled on Joe. Not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but decently attractive, and with a personality loud enough to make Evan notice that he was hitting on me before he made his way out of the party. Score. I alerted Kadance to my new plans, pushed Joe into an empty room in our apartment and was about to have my way with him when he asked probably the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been asked in a sexual situation (other than that time that one guy asked if I’d ever been diagnosed with an STD. Kidding, of course).
Joe: “So, wait a second. Were you trying to hook up with Evan earlier in the night? I saw you talking to him a lot before.”
[Awkward silence.]
Me: “Uhhhhhh. Uhhhhhh. No, not really. I’m keeping my options open. Now that’s enough talking for now.”
the south rises again
So, on my recent spring break (Can I get a whoot! for a week of drinking, tanning and all around debauchery?), my roommates and I decided to road trip it down to South Carolina for a week of lounging on the beach and substance abuse. During the St. Patty’s Day parade in the small town (Can I get a whoot! for a day of green beer, Irish Car Bombs and all around debauchery?), my roomie Cate and I decided to hang out of our car window during a particularly bad stretch of traffic. I spy with my little eye a HOT ASS group of guys. We asked for their numbers, struggled to understand what the fuck they were saying with those accents, and finally took them down.
Two nights later, during a particularly boring spell in the trip, we decided to call up the boys and finally made plans to meet up with them later that night. After enlisting Krista as our DD, we made our way (in the pitch ass darkness) to their house. Fucking FINALLY! Guys that weren’t wearing skinny jeans, had never stepped foot in a Bloomingdale’s and didn’t pay more than I did for a haircut. There was one boy in particular, Beau, who really caught my eye. He was hot, wearing ridiculous Abercrombie cologne and was a master at beer pong. He was the one. His cute southern accent didn’t hurt matters either.
Beau and I got to talking and then he convinced me to let him give me a “tour of the house”, obviously code for “let’s fuck”. Kissing and being thrown around by someone twice my size was strangely exhilirating, especially considereding my recent history with girlier men. I was all about it. I wasn’t wearing the cutest underwear in the world though, and wasn’t too into the idea of having sex within hours of meeting this kid (I’m classy, you know), so after a few minutes of hardcore making out, I asked if he’d settle for a blow job. He, being male, accepted this negotiation. Several minutes later, and some hard work on my part (they don’t call it a JOB for nothing), matters were taken care of. Literally two seconds after my head was off his crotch, my roommate Cate walked into the room.
“Hey, we’re ready to head out? Are you pretty much set?”
“Haha, yeah.” I fixed my now lopsided hair and gave Beau one final kiss and wink before I headed out the door. On the car ride back, I had only one request of my now completely trashed and equally satisfied roommates.
“Hey, guys? Do you think we can stop by the supermarket to buy some Coke? I need to wash the taste of peen out of my mouth.”
