where have all the men gone?
It’s been a while since I’ve updated, as things have been rather quiet on the smutty front. it seems like it was just a few weeks ago when i was balancing flirt sessions with my boss Eric and pub crawl hookups on a near nightly basis. In the past weeks, I’ve calmed down quite a bit. Oh, and there’s news! I quit my job. I realized that I was intensely tired of dealing with snotty customers and the constant fear of being found out as the home wrecking sales girl who boned my boss. So, I left and never returned, also closing the door on hooking up with Eric anytime soon.
This leaves me in my current quagmire–feeling smutty but with no viable prospects. Though I’ve been in slight hibernation the past few weeks, spring is always a rebirth and I feel like the rebirth of my skanktastic adventures is just around the corner. Stay tuned.
and the awkward turtle ensues…
OH MY FUCKING GOD. Sexual tension between Eric and I has been mounting yet again, and I’m thinking that another sack session is soon to be on the agenda. I kinda feel like the first time we fucked might have been mediocre just because of first fuck jitters. I mean, every one has those, right?
Today at work-just as I am slowly allowing myself to flirt with Eric more openly and entertaining the idea of giving him another chance to prove that hes not just a bunny fucker–a bombshell drops. His girlfriend, Lauren, comes into visit. NO. This cannot, cannot, CANNOT be fucking happening. Not that the guilt is really eating me up inside anymore (I helped myself get over it with a bottle of Cuervo) but what if she figures us out? This bitch is a good foot taller than me and relatively ghetto fab. She can beat me down. Now, I’m fiesty, but I know when I’m clearly outmatched, and the last thing I need is a bruise across the side of my face just for the prospect of another average lay.
“Hey, Lauren!” I say, wayyyyyyy too politely.
”Oh, hi.” She shoots the DIRTIEST look in my direction, turns to speak to Eric for a good ten minutes, making sure to hug and kiss him plenty of times during her conversation, in between giving me dirty looks to make sure I’m noticing. Bitch is trying to school me. HELL FUCKING NO.
Finally, after she finally runs out of steam in her middle school attempt to mark her territory, she passes by me on the way out the door. I’m not letting her go this easily.
”Bye, Lauren!” I yell, obnoxiously loudly. “I’m REALLY sorry you won’t be able to come to the next store party. They really are so much more fun when you’re there. Don’t worry, though, I’ll take care of Eric for you!” I smile after giving my little speech, way too brightly for it to be sincere. This bitch’s head almost came off, fuming out of the store. Lauren:0; Me:7 billion. But who’s counting?
you learn something new everyday
So I rolled into my first work shift after my little sexcapade with Eric with an aura of awkward around myself. I usually am the anti-awkward, just because I don’t really allow social norms to dictate the way I act, but this time I had let myself slip a little. I mean, the sex wasn’t all that great…had I completely fucked up my best co-worker relationship?!?!?! How would I pass the time during shift now? Goddammit.
These were all the thoughts floating inside my head as I walked into the store. I was not about it at all. It was at this time that the least likely person taught me something very important. After half an hour of not looking Eric in the eye, he pulled me to the side.
“Listen, stop being so shadeball. Look me in the eye. No, really. It was a get it out of our systems fuck. We’re all good. Now let’s see if you can actually burp the alphabet.”
I was completely in shock. Why the fuck had I not thought of this before? I had completely forgotten that the TRUE mark of an upstanding person was if they could fall into bed with a completely inappropriate partner and still be completely chill with the person after. Ahhh, lesson learned. Eric and I are still good friends, we got a good fuck out of our systems and we both still have our jobs. Praise Jesus, all is good in the world.
In Super Hot Black Guy news: our relationship is progressing. Just the other day in class, he asked me if we had an assignment from the previous class and I told him “no”. Baby steps, people.
a promotion is in order
So I’ve finally acheived a long awaited goal in my career. No, I didn’t get a promotion or a raise–I fucked my boss instead. This is the story of how I secured my place in my company without actually having to put any more effort in to my actual job.
Yesterday afternoon, I was supposed to meet up with the regional manager of my store, two of my coworkers and Eric for an early dinner celebrating our past month of stellar sales (See? I contribute to productivity!). In flirty text messages back and forth between Eric and I, we decided to meet up before because of my inability to navigate my way around Brooklyn (Manhattan is more my territory). I arrived at his apartment almost expecting something to happen and had prepared myself by wearing my cutest underwear and arriving a solid 45 minutes early. It was on like Donkey Kong.
Within five minutes of me arriving at Eric’s apartment, we were making out on his worn in leather couch and ripping off each other’s clothing. Holy shit. I am screwing my superior! Amazing.
Well, it was for the first few minutes anyway. After the novelty of fucking my boss began to wear off, I began to take the situation for what it was: I was sleeping with my almost 30 year old boss on a couch…in an apartment that he shared with his girlfriend. And he was also a bunny fucker, jackhammering away. Not appealing. After 7 unsatisfying minutes of this, I realized that he was expecting some sort of vocalization of my satisfaction…so I faked it. I mean there was no way I was going to be able to finish with a framed picture of this fool’s girlfriend ten feet away. Thankfully, not much after my “performance”, he was done with his. It was over at last! Praise Jesus.
Okay. With not even 15 minutes to get myself together, Eric and I had to throw our clothes back on and run. To a company dinner. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It wasn’t until we arrived at the restaurant and I caught a glimpse of myself in the restaurant lobby mirror that I realized what a mess I actually was. Anyone who believes that after-sex hair is appealing is seriously fucking deranged. It is not.
I looked what I like to call “a hot-ass mess”. My hair was messy, partially tangled and altogether horrifying. My eyeliner was smudged and not in the smoky eye way–it was more of the morning-after-prostitute way. I also caught a whiff on myself of a scent I lovingly refer to as “eau de WHORE”. This is absofuckinglutely the LAST time I go to any work function after having sex with my boss! I can only take this as an opportunity to learn! Or at least next time I should bring a comb and body spray to my next rendez-vous.
Moral of the story: It’s probably not the best idea to screw your boss. On the plus side, in today’s shaky economy, a girl can’t do enough for job security.
how i climbed my way up the corporate ladder
So, several days ago, my streak of being “unslutty” was finally broken thanks to a very inappropriate liason with someone at work. This hookup included three things: me, my assistant manager at work, and the stockroom of the boutique I work at. My manager, Eric, and I have had an extreme flirtation for the entire time I’ve been working at the store. Last Monday afternoon, it finally amounted to something.
I had been away on vacation for the past two weeks and strolled into work, looking tan, feeling good about life…sex was absolutely NOT on my mind. Well, it barely was.
Eric, the assistant manager of the store, is a solid 10 years older than me, blonde, tall and way past the line of “professional”. When I showed up at work, he was flirtier than usual…telling me how much he “missed me while I was away”, touching my arm…the whole “come-hither” deal. Though hooking up with a superior at work has always been a fantasy of mine, I never thought it could happen for real. That is, until I went to the caverns of our stockroom to find that pair of silver shoes in a size 7.
Several moments later, Eric followed me into the backroom. To get past me in the super cramped space, Eric had to come a little bit closer than I’m sure is acceptable in our employee handbook. He paused right in front of me for a second, licked his lips and went in for mine. HOLY SHIT MOTHERFUCK!!!!!!! We were suddenly hardcoremaking out. I was pushed against a rack of clothes and his hands were making their way from the small of my back to the back pocket of my Cheap Mondays.
OH MY FUCKING G-O-D! I could not for a second believe that I was actually making out with Eric, the guy that I spent most of my time at work thinking about, rather than actually helping customers. This is the single best thing that has happened to me professionally. Suddenly, we heard the door to the back room creak open. Goddammit! We jumped apart seconds before Emily, my annoying ass coworker caught us.
“So, uh, Eric, let me know if you can’t find that, uh, dress. Yeah,” I managed to mumble, before making my exit. Not too stealth, I know. Whatever.
The rest of the day flew by with a neverending stream of customers generally being assholes, which didn’t really give me a chance to register what had happened until I got back to my apartment. There are several very obvious problems and complications that go along with having hooked up with Eric
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He is older. At least old enough that some of my friends would not approve.
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He is my boss. This little stock room action might not look too great at my three month review. Fuck.
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There is one detail I forgot to mention. He has a girlfriend…that he lives with…who I’ve met. Fuckity fuck fuck.
Okay, so this isn’t the most ideal situation, but I haven’t exactly decided how I feel about things, or how I’m going to proceed. There is one upside: work just got infinitely more interesting!
UPDATE: I asked my friend, DJ over margaritas for advice on the whole deal and this is our conversation went (as far as I can remember after three drinks):
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Me: So. You know my boss, Eric? I made out with him.
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DJ: Shit. Oh, well. It was a matter of time.
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Me: He has a girlfriend. Does that make me a whore?
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DJ: No, I don’t think that makes you a whore. [Pause] It makes you fun!
Friends. How could you get through life without them?
